Sunday, March 8, 2009


I'm borrowing a page out of a light book I'm reading called "The Diaper Diaries". It's too funny not to post.
The widely accepted concept of babyproofing is all wrong. The goal should be to protect the HOUSE from the BABY, not vice versa. Here's what may happen if you don't protect your house:
1. Baby will take graham cracker and jam it into DVD player, thus rendering DVD player unusable.
2. Baby will flush all magnetic alphabet letters other than Q, Z, V and J down the toilet, making it impossible to spell anything meaningful as well as causing the toilet to overflow.
3. Baby will stuff cat into hapmper where freaked-out kitty will throw up on fine washables.
4. Baby will fill tub with water and drop the following items to see if they float: your husband's 1896 pocket watch (will not float), photos of your grandmother as a baby (will float initially), your BlackBerry (nope), one of your diamond earrings (uh-uh), and a paper cup (yes!).
5. Baby will play with TV remote, resulting in the selction of 47 Pay-Per-View movies.
6. Baby will take your nine bottles of perfume, pour them into your husband's cowboy hat from his boyhood in Montana, and then dump it all into your sweater drawer.
7. Baby will remove diaper in front of fridge, then proceed to poop in a saucepan, on the leather recliner and under your authentic oriental rug. Where it will remain undiscovered for 3 days.
8. Baby will take your car keys and scratch a mark on the antique walnut coffee table before tossing them in air, after which they'll land in the garbage disposal.
9. Baby will tear pages out of book of Impressionist Art and use vaseline from diaper bag to stick them to living room wall.

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